So Bill O'Reilly has once again shamed his Irish name by using his overblown sensationalistic views about Christmas to ironically grasp for holiday book sales.
He is storming around in the media claiming that the more respectful and culturally inclusive"Happy Holidays" promotes the (secular progressive) Liberal's "Anti Christian agenda of "Narcotics, Euthanasia, Homosexuality, and Abortion.
Wow! Really Bill! Really?
What a disappointing Christmas for the Liberal children....
"Mommy? Am I just really wasted this morning or did Santa bring me another dead, gay baby? Why can't we spend Christmas at the O'Reilly's this year? There Christmas is more fun! They get drunk and make inappropriate advances toward their staff until Mr. O'Reilly yells viciously at everyone and makes them leave." Then they get together around the enormous, un-reforested, christmas tree and have a Tea Party."
"I don't want my christmas to be SUSTAINABLE. I want it to be SENSATIONAL."
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Killing xmas!!!!
No comedy last night in Los Angeles. I mean to say there was no comedy for me. I am sure that plenty of people were cracking jokes for money or love but I only made toddlers laugh.
I enjoy making toddlers laugh but I also recognize that one needs less talent and more cardio for such an endeavor.
So here I have been every evening jumping about in puddles and changing diapers and making meals that everyone thinks are "yucky!"
So how did I do last night... I'm killing! Killing for Christmas.
Happy Holidays enjoy the mudslides!
Collin
Xmas 2010
I enjoy making toddlers laugh but I also recognize that one needs less talent and more cardio for such an endeavor.
So here I have been every evening jumping about in puddles and changing diapers and making meals that everyone thinks are "yucky!"
So how did I do last night... I'm killing! Killing for Christmas.
Happy Holidays enjoy the mudslides!
Collin
Xmas 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
A Normal Life
Tues night I went to Hollywood because Bryan Swinehardt said that He would love to have me on because it was an anniversay party for the room. 5 years. I was 20th... or actually 22nd if you count Tom Green and Kato Kalin. You heard me KATO KALIN.
My friends Marc Ryan and Jeorjeana Maria came with me and also went up late. The crowd was big and hot... until just before we went up. Then it was small and not hot.
I enjoyed working new material but can anyone tell me why I stick around for three hours sitting crossedlegged, eating trail mix in the back of a bar on the off chance that the crowd is going to some how be better when I get up...
The answer? Because there is no one who can tell you how to do this. You think maybe you are going to suddenly discover the magical combination of waiting and performing for each day of the week in each city and then you will be able to create the perfect set and everyone will go AHAA! He's got it figured out!
Here's your ten thousand dollars. Now you can pay off the IRS and have a normal life. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
My friends Marc Ryan and Jeorjeana Maria came with me and also went up late. The crowd was big and hot... until just before we went up. Then it was small and not hot.
I enjoyed working new material but can anyone tell me why I stick around for three hours sitting crossedlegged, eating trail mix in the back of a bar on the off chance that the crowd is going to some how be better when I get up...
The answer? Because there is no one who can tell you how to do this. You think maybe you are going to suddenly discover the magical combination of waiting and performing for each day of the week in each city and then you will be able to create the perfect set and everyone will go AHAA! He's got it figured out!
Here's your ten thousand dollars. Now you can pay off the IRS and have a normal life. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
When: Friday 11/5/10
The Place: Monterey, CA
The Club: Planet Gemini
The Booker: Anthony Lane
The Problem: ME
Let me just start by saying that I had a great set. Even according to the people who showed up late and had no frame of reference for why the weird shit I was saying at the 3/4 mark of my show was funny to me, and should be funny to them to.
I have started to become more personal in my show and, I believe, more interesting. The problem comes in when you're playing a club that has comedy and then a band. The comedy viewers are there early and into it all the way. Then another half of the room trickles in DURING comedy and have know concept of who is on stage. They missed the beginning of your show. If you're doing it right... that kills you.
I used to be popular among "bar comedy bookers" because it didn't matter when you meandered into my show. My humor had no dependence on me as a person in the same way that an uninteresting conversation has no depth. You talk about the weather or other people and then you walk away going who was that guy again? He says we went to school together I don't remember him.
Well Last night was a good sign. I realized that I might be starting to turn that corner. As new people came in I had to kind of reintroduce myself as someone that I didn't even know I was being in the rest of the show. WELL HELLO ME. NICE TO MEET YOU.
Thank you Monterey for coming out in better numbers than I have seen in the recent past. More are coming tonight and one of my good Jiu-Jitsu buddies is going to try comedy for the first time ever and this will be the 3rd time that has happened to me.
I'll tell you about all the tragedy and triumph on the morrow good readers.
Collin (Guy I just met)
The Place: Monterey, CA
The Club: Planet Gemini
The Booker: Anthony Lane
The Problem: ME
Let me just start by saying that I had a great set. Even according to the people who showed up late and had no frame of reference for why the weird shit I was saying at the 3/4 mark of my show was funny to me, and should be funny to them to.
I have started to become more personal in my show and, I believe, more interesting. The problem comes in when you're playing a club that has comedy and then a band. The comedy viewers are there early and into it all the way. Then another half of the room trickles in DURING comedy and have know concept of who is on stage. They missed the beginning of your show. If you're doing it right... that kills you.
I used to be popular among "bar comedy bookers" because it didn't matter when you meandered into my show. My humor had no dependence on me as a person in the same way that an uninteresting conversation has no depth. You talk about the weather or other people and then you walk away going who was that guy again? He says we went to school together I don't remember him.
Well Last night was a good sign. I realized that I might be starting to turn that corner. As new people came in I had to kind of reintroduce myself as someone that I didn't even know I was being in the rest of the show. WELL HELLO ME. NICE TO MEET YOU.
Thank you Monterey for coming out in better numbers than I have seen in the recent past. More are coming tonight and one of my good Jiu-Jitsu buddies is going to try comedy for the first time ever and this will be the 3rd time that has happened to me.
I'll tell you about all the tragedy and triumph on the morrow good readers.
Collin (Guy I just met)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Locking Out The Hecklers
This is a late post about one of my most disruptive comedy experiences ever.
When: Last Wednesday
The Place: Mill Creek, WA
The Bar: The Jet
The Booker: (Friend and Comic) Andrew Rivers
The Set up: Stage too tall,lighting inconsistent, One TV left on so that the peeps in the back could watch "The Ultimate Fighter" while facing me as if they were watching the show. (This made for Group reactions with terrible timing).
The Problem: Bar to the right with not one or two but FOUR, in a row, inordinately stupid and drunk "trying to help" hecklers with really bad comedy instincts.
The Catalyst: An impatient and lately becoming spoiled ME.
The rhythm we were in for 30 of the 90 minutes I did my job was as follows.
Bash heckler, joke, joke, cheer (to TV in back), joke, heckle, bash different heckler, REPEAT.
After about 30 minutes they mixed up the order and lost me. I proceeded to lock one heckler couple outside on the smoking patio in full view of the audience. Then I had the bouncer (who had multiple facial tatoos) kick out another heckler. Then the first couple came back looking confused about the locked door. They began knocking until I let them in. I told them that that other dude who had been kicked out did it and that's why we had to ask him to leave. They bought it and kept heckling anyway.
In the end everyone was very happy except the guy who was dragged out saying "Dude why did you do that to your face? ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I CAN WALK TYSON"
Every once in a while you gotta ride the lightening or you won't even know when the sky is clear!
Collin
When: Last Wednesday
The Place: Mill Creek, WA
The Bar: The Jet
The Booker: (Friend and Comic) Andrew Rivers
The Set up: Stage too tall,lighting inconsistent, One TV left on so that the peeps in the back could watch "The Ultimate Fighter" while facing me as if they were watching the show. (This made for Group reactions with terrible timing).
The Problem: Bar to the right with not one or two but FOUR, in a row, inordinately stupid and drunk "trying to help" hecklers with really bad comedy instincts.
The Catalyst: An impatient and lately becoming spoiled ME.
The rhythm we were in for 30 of the 90 minutes I did my job was as follows.
Bash heckler, joke, joke, cheer (to TV in back), joke, heckle, bash different heckler, REPEAT.
After about 30 minutes they mixed up the order and lost me. I proceeded to lock one heckler couple outside on the smoking patio in full view of the audience. Then I had the bouncer (who had multiple facial tatoos) kick out another heckler. Then the first couple came back looking confused about the locked door. They began knocking until I let them in. I told them that that other dude who had been kicked out did it and that's why we had to ask him to leave. They bought it and kept heckling anyway.
In the end everyone was very happy except the guy who was dragged out saying "Dude why did you do that to your face? ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I CAN WALK TYSON"
Every once in a while you gotta ride the lightening or you won't even know when the sky is clear!
Collin
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Sok and The Faggots... (Disclaimer: Punk Band Name)
Tacoma Comedy Club in.... Oh Yeah, TACOMA! Grand opening was last night and the crowd was electrified. We were at capacity and that is pretty good for the first night. The crowd was very rowdy and I had forgotten that people from Tacoma attach a certain portion of their identity to being difficult to entertain. Well maybe it was my ignorance of this hurdle that allowed me to blow right through it but whatever the reason was, it was a great show and we covered some crazy ground!
There were two very large singles groups there... not large singles, large groups. After about thirty minutes of behavioral observation it was obvious to see why about 15% of them were still single, but to the remaining 85%... hats off to you posterchildren of freedom!
There were two very large singles groups there... not large singles, large groups. After about thirty minutes of behavioral observation it was obvious to see why about 15% of them were still single, but to the remaining 85%... hats off to you posterchildren of freedom!
My personal favorite moment of the night was meeting and talking to Sok from the punk band "Sok and the Faggots" http://www.myspace.com/sokandthefaggots why was I glad to meet him???... He is known for puking on the audience and that's not even his closer!!!!!
Oh by the way... He works in the kitchen... YES! THAT is "Punk Rock!"
Friday, October 22, 2010
Kent believe it's not Buttheads
Kent, WA last night. Good people. Bad moment.
Last night was no exception to the rule that "Bar gigs" are very different than "Club gigs". Something about the combination of beer sweat and neon has a chemical effect on the human mind, turning all irony and subtlty into "brain-fire". Thus rendering the person confused and ultimately angry. Bad environment for humor.
I ended up doing an hour plus but never really overcame the obligatory drunk group of 5-9 wasted people in the center of the room "helping out!" I let them take my power to some degree and for that I am sorry but I did do well anyway.
I even got my point across to the classic female Seattle area comedy goer that nodded "No" to every punchline that she laughed at. I can at least take solace in the fact that her neck was killing her this morning, probably more than the day after she watched "The Hangover". Whenever I play Seattle my main objective is to make some necks hurt!
So in the end Everyone came up after and said they loved it but I suppose Chris Brown has heard that a few times from Rhianna. Everyone was actually super nice and I want to go back again... I just remember thinking... "I Kent believe it's not Buttheads."
Last night was no exception to the rule that "Bar gigs" are very different than "Club gigs". Something about the combination of beer sweat and neon has a chemical effect on the human mind, turning all irony and subtlty into "brain-fire". Thus rendering the person confused and ultimately angry. Bad environment for humor.
I ended up doing an hour plus but never really overcame the obligatory drunk group of 5-9 wasted people in the center of the room "helping out!" I let them take my power to some degree and for that I am sorry but I did do well anyway.
I even got my point across to the classic female Seattle area comedy goer that nodded "No" to every punchline that she laughed at. I can at least take solace in the fact that her neck was killing her this morning, probably more than the day after she watched "The Hangover". Whenever I play Seattle my main objective is to make some necks hurt!
So in the end Everyone came up after and said they loved it but I suppose Chris Brown has heard that a few times from Rhianna. Everyone was actually super nice and I want to go back again... I just remember thinking... "I Kent believe it's not Buttheads."
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Hot Humor Pie
Last Saturday I had the honor of playing the local "pie shop" in the town that I live. Marie Calendars (famous pie hut) has been doing comedy in their bar for going on 15 years. The pay in a place like that, as I'm sure you can imagine, is bolstered heavily by pie. One free pie per performance. Thankfully the type of pie you get does not relate in any way to the type of performance you give.
There was once a time early in the relationship between pie and comedy, when a person who stopped telling good jokes got hit in the face with a pie. Times have changed. In the new millennium those who stop eating good pie get hit in the face with jokes. I know. I did the joke throwing.
Well I got my Friday pie and my Sat pie and the other comic gave me his Sat pie which left me with three pies and one face.
A special thank you to all those who came out to my driveway Sunday afternoon for my pie party. Oh and to the 10s and 10s of my la supporters who braved the mean streets of whiteville for Collin Moulton's hot humor pie!
Thank you neighbors and thank you pie!
There was once a time early in the relationship between pie and comedy, when a person who stopped telling good jokes got hit in the face with a pie. Times have changed. In the new millennium those who stop eating good pie get hit in the face with jokes. I know. I did the joke throwing.
Well I got my Friday pie and my Sat pie and the other comic gave me his Sat pie which left me with three pies and one face.
A special thank you to all those who came out to my driveway Sunday afternoon for my pie party. Oh and to the 10s and 10s of my la supporters who braved the mean streets of whiteville for Collin Moulton's hot humor pie!
Thank you neighbors and thank you pie!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Journey and drunk white people
Let me start by saying... "There is a reason Journey is famous."
This was the result 25000 mostly white people riding a bike 400 miles, drinking four to nine alcoholic beverages each and then answering the question... "Should we stop believing?"
They answer may not surprise you....
I rode my bicycle (A friends bicycle) across Iowa a couple of weeks ago (Half way across).
I was accompanied by 25000 other people who associate fitness with drinking and eating pie.
They answer may not surprise you....
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Teen Tour at the Improv in LA (kids can be cruel)
Hi there... Last Friday I had the honor of performing at the world famous Improv in Hollywood during one of their "Teen Tours". That is what happens when teens who were generally rejected by the cool kids in High School go out into the world to find "cool kids" to reject.
Although it was a little flattering to be considered "cool" enough to reject... I was rejected enough in High School. I dropped out in 10th grade to avoid the brutal ridicule of my teen peers. Their treatment was so intense that I chose the ridicule of coked up construction workers as an alternative!
Well four more minutes of rejection didn't kill me and I turned it around. By the end of my set the freaks and weirdos were electing me homecoming king.
They tried to hate me but in the end I didn't drop out... I graduated!!!!! (In their defense, I did open with a 2 min piece on fingerbanging... Hey "Hit 'em where they live.")
Although it was a little flattering to be considered "cool" enough to reject... I was rejected enough in High School. I dropped out in 10th grade to avoid the brutal ridicule of my teen peers. Their treatment was so intense that I chose the ridicule of coked up construction workers as an alternative!
Well four more minutes of rejection didn't kill me and I turned it around. By the end of my set the freaks and weirdos were electing me homecoming king.
They tried to hate me but in the end I didn't drop out... I graduated!!!!! (In their defense, I did open with a 2 min piece on fingerbanging... Hey "Hit 'em where they live.")
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
MAYO I Take Your Wig (ROCHESTER, MN)
When performing across the street from one of the most prominent cancer research and treatment facilities in the world you automatically think everyone is going to be smart. Well cancer doesn't discriminate... thankfully. If it was only smart people it would have been boring. I had a blast!
There were wig shops and drink specials, overly priced gay vest shops and greek food (to go with the yogurt and manlove), and of course... regular people.
I have nothing bad to say when it comes to Rochester Minnesota except... "Thank you and good night"
There were wig shops and drink specials, overly priced gay vest shops and greek food (to go with the yogurt and manlove), and of course... regular people.
I have nothing bad to say when it comes to Rochester Minnesota except... "Thank you and good night"
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
4/8/10 Owl and Thistle or nothing at all
So when you have a night off... Maybe it's for a reason.
Thurs April I was passing through Seattle with no gig that night. I don't know if it is the same for a surgeon but I'll take and guess and say that if a surgeon has a day off he isn't calling around trying to whip up an appendectomy or any ectomy for that matter.
I'm not a doctor. I'm a comedian and as such I need stage time to validate myself as an awkwardly pseudo functioning member of society that no one can relate to.
Thursday filled in with a bar show at an Irish pub called The Owl and Thistle.
I was to headline after the host and two or three other guys did a total of 30 minutes talking the people into staying mostly against their will.
Up I went jokes in mind, guitar in hand (Good Measure).
After 10 minutes of uncomfortably out of place reactions from the people who seemed to be listening, I switched away from material and began searching for a way out of this without giving back the Guinness Stew that was my payment.
Low and behold a drunk / pill-popping / maybe just insane dude. One look at him and he started spilling the "I'm fing nuts!" beans.
Also you should know that a young woman and gifted singer / musician had Canada walked (she was Canada) over from the youth hostel to take in some free entertainment.
It didn't take long to formulate a plan. Befriend the crazy guy and bring him up on stage to tell his peculiar, nonsensical stories while I played the soundtrack and sang background vocals... PERFECT!
Eventually I brought the girl up and had her improv song verses to the most disturbing chorus I've ever written... (Brightly "Shake the baby! Shake, shake the baby")
In the end comedy won again.
But it was a squeeker!!
Thurs April I was passing through Seattle with no gig that night. I don't know if it is the same for a surgeon but I'll take and guess and say that if a surgeon has a day off he isn't calling around trying to whip up an appendectomy or any ectomy for that matter.
I'm not a doctor. I'm a comedian and as such I need stage time to validate myself as an awkwardly pseudo functioning member of society that no one can relate to.
Thursday filled in with a bar show at an Irish pub called The Owl and Thistle.
I was to headline after the host and two or three other guys did a total of 30 minutes talking the people into staying mostly against their will.
Up I went jokes in mind, guitar in hand (Good Measure).
After 10 minutes of uncomfortably out of place reactions from the people who seemed to be listening, I switched away from material and began searching for a way out of this without giving back the Guinness Stew that was my payment.
Low and behold a drunk / pill-popping / maybe just insane dude. One look at him and he started spilling the "I'm fing nuts!" beans.
Also you should know that a young woman and gifted singer / musician had Canada walked (she was Canada) over from the youth hostel to take in some free entertainment.
It didn't take long to formulate a plan. Befriend the crazy guy and bring him up on stage to tell his peculiar, nonsensical stories while I played the soundtrack and sang background vocals... PERFECT!
Eventually I brought the girl up and had her improv song verses to the most disturbing chorus I've ever written... (Brightly "Shake the baby! Shake, shake the baby")
In the end comedy won again.
But it was a squeeker!!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Alamo... Car Hacks
I showed up at 7:58 pm for an 8pm show... let me explain.
Medford, OR, 10am at the Alamo rental car counter there stood a man (ME). He heard the words "I know you have a reservation sir but we have no cars."
The man had no response as nothing seemed to make sense in this new universe he had woken up in crumpled up in seat 5a flight # whatever.
He called everyone he knew in Medford, OR. Amazingly two people. Each person had a similar response... "No Sh#$t!"
Finally Avis rental car got a load of cars seemingly from nowhere. Avis rented Alamo a car that Alamo rented to the man... alright ME.
By the time I got my car I had 7.5 hrs to drive 9 hrs. No problem I did 52hrs in 47hrs once!
As I blazed up the I-5 I wrote joke after joke about this and that. Of all the joke garbage running through my melon, two made the cut.
I got there at 7:45pm. Just in time to handle the usual hotel room reservation mix up and run to the showroom where 200 of the good people from N. Washington area waited to here my thoughts and watch me move around as humorously as possible. And of course the NEW JOKES!!
All went great! New jokes flew! I sold CDs!
I am left wondering though... I made a reservation for a car. (What alamo provides) when I showed up, they did not have the one thing that they provide as a business...
Should I try that at my next next show. "Sorry I don't have jokes. I could however get jokes from another comedian and provide them for you to fulfill my contractual obligation."
Alamo
AKA Carlos Mencia Car Rental
Medford, OR, 10am at the Alamo rental car counter there stood a man (ME). He heard the words "I know you have a reservation sir but we have no cars."
The man had no response as nothing seemed to make sense in this new universe he had woken up in crumpled up in seat 5a flight # whatever.
He called everyone he knew in Medford, OR. Amazingly two people. Each person had a similar response... "No Sh#$t!"
Finally Avis rental car got a load of cars seemingly from nowhere. Avis rented Alamo a car that Alamo rented to the man... alright ME.
By the time I got my car I had 7.5 hrs to drive 9 hrs. No problem I did 52hrs in 47hrs once!
As I blazed up the I-5 I wrote joke after joke about this and that. Of all the joke garbage running through my melon, two made the cut.
I got there at 7:45pm. Just in time to handle the usual hotel room reservation mix up and run to the showroom where 200 of the good people from N. Washington area waited to here my thoughts and watch me move around as humorously as possible. And of course the NEW JOKES!!
All went great! New jokes flew! I sold CDs!
I am left wondering though... I made a reservation for a car. (What alamo provides) when I showed up, they did not have the one thing that they provide as a business...
Should I try that at my next next show. "Sorry I don't have jokes. I could however get jokes from another comedian and provide them for you to fulfill my contractual obligation."
Alamo
AKA Carlos Mencia Car Rental
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