Why do comics do that!?

Laughlin, NV is a place on a river that has casinos and people come to it... want to hear more?
Contrary to impending train wreck of a desert casino town jamming a comedy show in between nickel slots, I really had fun on stage and these people came to hear comedy in whatever form it took.

Show 7pm. Arrived at the hotel at 6pm. Park, check-in, wait for bellman, dress, find showroom. 6:40pm. A quick talk to the entertainment director told me that the rules of the itinerary were, as always, were written as more of a guideline to be ignored completely unless you wanted the crowd to think you were from another planet. Exact words... "I'll light you at 45 and then again at 55 minutes and you can go as long as you want I don't care really. Oh and just don't say "Fuck" all the time. And no ass fucking jokes. I did 1 hour and 20 minutes and said Fuck maybe 10 times(No ass fucking jokes). He lit me at 55 and then again at 1 hour and 5 minutes. I was elated at how well the crowd received EVERYTHING. I was able to play and create and so was my very funny opener Laura Park. I worked out one very difficult new bit about my kids and just felt great. I left the stage thinking. Wow! bet the club's going to be so happy! That was definitely top level shit!

Before the show I talked a little more to Andy, the Entertainment Director and got back story on no comps at the bar. Apparently some stupid ass comic "...got really drunk and refuse to come off stage." Now we all get to pay for his sins.

Why do comics do that shit? This is a job like any other. I wish comedians held themselves to a higher standard.

Enter the typical road bullshit. I bought 1 beer for Laura and 1 beer for me before the show. NO COMP. $10.50. Fine whatever.
As I am running from the stage to my merchandise table, post show, I am told that I have to handle my tab RIGHT NOW! Fine whatever.
I get to my Merch table in time to catch the last half of the immediate exodus. 1 shirt sold. Fine whatever.
That was when HE (A - Hole) came up to me. His name tag told me that he was the Lighting and Sound Coordinator.

A-hole - "I didn't see the whole show but did you not see Andy giving you the light?" 
Me- "Hi. I'm Collin. Yeah but he had said that he was going to give me a 45 minute and then a 55 minute light and that I could do as much time as I wanted."
A-Hole - "Oh no no no. We have to turn this room over for the dance club at 10:30. WHERE'S THE DJ?"
Andy - "He's here, set up."
A -Hole "Oh. Well any way, you can go a little over but definitely not 35 minutes over."
Me (STUPID ME) - " Andy said I could go as long as I wanted."
Andy - NOTHING
A - Hole "You do 45 minutes and maybe another 5 if you want."
LAST STRAW
Me (ANGRY ME) "Well that's not the information I got!"
A-Hole "Sorry you got the wrong information..."
Me (POWERLESS ME) "Fine. Whatever!"

That's when it hit me. In the eyes of everyone there, I was the guy that Andy told me about.
I had a beer on stage. So probably perceived to be drunk and misinformed about the stage time allowed so not coming off stage... Drunk and refusing to come off stage!

Why do comics do that shit? This is a job like any other. I wish comedians held themselves to a higher standard!

O'Reilly's Christmas... Sustainable or Sensational?

So Bill O'Reilly has once again shamed his Irish name by using his overblown sensationalistic views about Christmas to ironically grasp for holiday book sales.

He is storming around in the media claiming that the more respectful and culturally inclusive"Happy Holidays" promotes the (secular progressive) Liberal's "Anti Christian agenda of "Narcotics, Euthanasia, Homosexuality, and Abortion.

Wow! Really Bill! Really?

What a disappointing Christmas for the Liberal children....

"Mommy? Am I just really wasted this morning or did Santa bring me another dead, gay baby? Why can't we spend Christmas at the O'Reilly's this year? There Christmas is more fun! They get drunk and make inappropriate advances toward their staff until Mr. O'Reilly yells viciously at everyone and makes them leave." Then they get together around the enormous, un-reforested, christmas tree and have a Tea Party."

"I don't want my christmas to be SUSTAINABLE. I want it to be SENSATIONAL."

Killing xmas!!!!

No comedy last night in Los Angeles. I mean to say there was no comedy for me. I am sure that plenty of people were cracking jokes for money or love but I only made toddlers laugh.

I enjoy making toddlers laugh but I also recognize that one needs less talent and more cardio for such an endeavor.

So here I have been every evening jumping about in puddles and changing diapers and making meals that everyone thinks are "yucky!"

So how did I do last night... I'm killing! Killing for Christmas.

Happy Holidays enjoy the mudslides!
Collin
Xmas 2010

A Normal Life

Tues night I went to Hollywood because Bryan Swinehardt said that He would love to have me on because it was an anniversay party for the room. 5 years. I was 20th... or actually 22nd if you count Tom Green and Kato Kalin. You heard me KATO KALIN.
My friends Marc Ryan and Jeorjeana Maria came with me and also went up late. The crowd was big and hot... until just before we went up. Then it was small and not hot.
I enjoyed working new material but can anyone tell me why I stick around for three hours sitting crossedlegged, eating trail mix in the back of a bar on the off chance that the crowd is going to some how be better when I get up...
The answer? Because there is no one who can tell you how to do this. You think maybe you are going to suddenly discover the magical combination of waiting and performing for each day of the week in each city and then you will be able to create the perfect set and everyone will go AHAA! He's got it figured out!
Here's your ten thousand dollars. Now you can pay off the IRS and have a normal life. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

Pod E Mouth Comedy Club Report W:Collin Moulton Nov 13 2010

When: Friday 11/5/10
The Place: Monterey, CA
The Club: Planet Gemini
The Booker: Anthony Lane
The Problem: ME

Let me just start by saying that I had a great set. Even according to the people who showed up late and had no frame of reference for why the weird shit I was saying at the 3/4 mark of my show was funny to me, and should be funny to them to.

I have started to become more personal in my show and, I believe, more interesting. The problem comes in when you're playing a club that has comedy and then a band. The comedy viewers are there early and into it all the way. Then another half of the room trickles in DURING comedy and have know concept of who is on stage. They missed the beginning of your show. If you're doing it right... that kills you.

I used to be popular among "bar comedy bookers" because it didn't matter when you meandered into my show. My humor had no dependence on me as a person in the same way that an uninteresting conversation has no depth. You talk about the weather or other people and then you walk away going who was that guy again? He says we went to school together I don't remember him.

Well Last night was a good sign. I realized that I might be starting to turn that corner. As new people came in I had to kind of reintroduce myself as someone that I didn't even know I was being in the rest of the show. WELL HELLO ME. NICE TO MEET YOU.

Thank you Monterey for coming out in better numbers than I have seen in the recent past. More are coming tonight and one of my good Jiu-Jitsu buddies is going to try comedy for the first time ever and this will be the 3rd time that has happened to me.

I'll tell you about all the tragedy and triumph on the morrow good readers.

Collin (Guy I just met)

Locking Out The Hecklers

This is a late post about one of my most disruptive comedy experiences ever.

When: Last Wednesday
The Place: Mill Creek, WA
The Bar: The Jet
The Booker: (Friend and Comic) Andrew Rivers

The Set up: Stage too tall,lighting inconsistent, One TV left on so that the peeps in the back could watch "The Ultimate Fighter" while facing me as if they were watching the show. (This made for Group reactions with terrible timing).

The Problem: Bar to the right with not one or two but FOUR, in a row, inordinately stupid and drunk "trying to help" hecklers with really bad comedy instincts.

The Catalyst: An impatient and lately becoming spoiled ME.

The rhythm we were in for 30 of the 90 minutes I did my job was as follows.
Bash heckler,  joke, joke, cheer (to TV in back), joke, heckle, bash different heckler, REPEAT.

After about 30 minutes they mixed up the order and lost me. I proceeded to lock one heckler couple outside on the smoking patio in full view of the audience. Then I had the bouncer (who had multiple facial tatoos) kick out another heckler. Then the first couple came back looking confused about the locked door. They began knocking until I let them in. I told them that that other dude who had been kicked out did it and that's why we had to ask him to leave.  They bought it and kept heckling anyway.

In the end everyone was very happy except the guy who was dragged out saying "Dude why did you do that to your face? ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I CAN WALK TYSON"

Every once in a while you gotta ride the lightening or you won't even know when the sky is clear!
Collin